It's always hard to be a mom but some days it's almost impossible to will myself out of bed to shrill scream coming from the next room. It's not because I don't love my child it's because I'm exhausted. One hundred percent physically, and sometimes mentally, wiped out. It's not just taking care of the 12 pound, eating, pooping, screaming being that exhausts me, it's life. There is more to being a mom than just feeding, cleaning and comforting (on repeat). There is still taking care of me … which has been redefined since baby, and there is also my husband. I have been thinking, struggling and praying a lot lately about how to be a joyful woman with what sometimes seems more than I can handle.
I have found that it is much easier to "be content" than it is to be joyful. Contentment, for me and I would venture to guess for many, is finding yourself in an unpleasant situation and not complaining. I feel as though that is probably how I have defined contentment in my life for a while, if not forever. Joy on the other hand makes you smile, you find pleasure in the mist of things that upset you. It does not mean those things become easy and it does not mean you must enjoy every aspect but choosing to not let your soul be dragged down by the devil, there I find joy.
It is a constant battle and one I can not fight on my own. As the diapers pile up and for the 5th time the dog finds a way to sneak one and eat it, which not only makes me gag but also cry out of disgust. The dishes pile up, the laundry isn't folded, and the doorbell wakes the baby I just spent 2 hours getting down for a nap… I could continue this list for longer than I'd like to admit, but as I pick up my daughter and my back shoots with pain, a reminder that I gained a lot of weight and birthed a child I remember I made a person! I look at my imperfect body with scars, and skin and weight were it never use to be and I am reminded that this life is not forever, this body will serve my soul for as long as God choses to have me on this earth and I long for eternity.
I chose joy because I know that this is all fleeting, the good with the bad. I will soak up the smiles and the tears. Because if these last 3 months are any indication of how quickly this little one will grow, it won't be long before she won't let me hold her as she cries. I will continue find ways to take care of myself, my husband and my daughter. Although the laundry may not get folded, the dishes may still be in the sink tomorrow I have hope for this life and eternity. I have a man who loves me more than words can explain and a baby girl who without knowing it yet is teaching me patience and love deeper than I ever knew before. She is pointing me to Jesus and I pray I do the same for her.